Friday, November 12, 2010

trying to survive

Feeling weak again. Was so miserable yesterday. The same chilling feel in my heart, which occurs for too many times since i come to UCSI, and which, i tried to prevent, cause it'll just drain my energy, my will, my rational thinking, my strength to stand strong. Too frequent now.Trembled and shivered like mad. An eggtart for breakfast and bread for lunch. No appetite at all. Moreover NO ONE is going to care anyway. Eat for the sake of not feeling hungry.

That's why i got kinda scolded by Miss Ashley today for attending class with empty stomach. and PikYing for not taking good care of myself.

It's pretty stupid,me. It's not like i dunno all those. but i let myself be like that.sigh.Somehow coming to UCSI just makes me an idiot besides learning things and such.

Why did I ever wanna to stay longer in KL? Why did i ever have the thought in the first place?

yesterday Liang who saw me and was soo cheerful to see me,asked me.."why you look so sad? why you don't smile like always?"

Oskar: " If you're tired it's okay we'll practice next time""no no i'll try my best to play. let's run thru"
He actually helps me carried my beg and books almost everything immediately and soo quickly and silently to another room when i told him i wanna switch practice room. I just took my laptop when he already to and fro twice transferring my stuff. Im not that weak Oskar...! i look that cham meh =.=.....

To have come to school so early in the morning and back late at night, what did you think ppl lke me really wish and hope for? besides practicing and online...

to meet and see if there's any of my friends in school! if i stay at home i wont get a slightest chance of seeing any other friends at all. Guess what, there's a day when i was in classroom, Kenny coming in from the left saying"oh you come to school today!" and "ehh..? you're here!" coming from the right almost at the same time, it's Shin Hong...! It was a surprise and yet i was so delighted...!thankful......

and Pik Ying, Hong Liang, Oskar Y,Kenny, met them past few days and expecting some of them today as well! did they know even if they just chatted with me for a while, I'm already feeling so grateful and happy just a little...?

Thing's just, mo ming qi miao.

Who's weird now huh. who?

Who's thinking too much now huh....?

To be avoided, and the feeling of thrown to the side again.... as if my existence is just an irritation.... NOT funny......

i wanna know what is it. i wanna face whatever it is.the prob. but i have to know WHAT 1st.....!

where's my close friend.........?

Thursday, November 11, 2010

my thought on Beethoven

well i decided to play Beethoven's Sonata in D major op.10 no.3 for my next jury. This is to give myself a challenge as well, since I think I've played too much of Mozart and dun really wanna play Haydn( i still remember my ATCL repertoire..). Avoided Beethoven up till now since i come to UCSI cuz of it's wide interval & required power, which is much easier to achieve to those having big hands(i DO play some Beethoven before ah) However i do know this can never be an excuse of not touching Beethoven at all. I wanna challenge myself!!

1st mov: Presto, having interesting directions.dramatic still. will make you wonder bout the contrasting deep minor theme. besides playing the octaves with wrong notes occasionally and tensed my hands unconsciously, the notes are not as difficult as i thought they are.with the repeating themes and pattern, it just makes me feel it's just bit repetitive and even bored if i didnt do any expression and details. It's the technique required that I have to polished and practiced. The mov will just be as exciting like any others if we could bring out the character and the special effect of Beethoven

2nd mov: now this is the one that Im having trouble with. it's just so sad and melancholy. with parts that will only makes you think it's soo sad yet you have to smile cuz it's just...sadly beautiful. Like there's nth you can do with the tragic moment but smile to let it happens in front of you,and pass by, hurtfully..the pain in your heart. The tension, the stress with the dissonances, just wanna let the player to fully release their whole emotion, sadly...! My teacher told me I'm not expressive enough when i thought i was, at least a bit. He wants me to feel, and listen, and play all tiny little details(i know it applies to every pieces). but when I tried to practice after my major class, this mov almost brings me to tears. especially when, im already in such sorrowful state, this mov as if resonating my feeling... Can definitely make ppl falling into emo kind of state... Thus, it's hard to come out from this 2nd mov, to the all so sweet minuet and the lively trio.

Musicians are very emotional. Indeed. I agreed on that. but they, can be very very logical as well. 'cause we all need to think, to digest the just cannot be played, too simply without thoughts. (this was shared by my respectful not-official-teacher last night)

4th mov: haven't really learn this one. but it seems to be harder than the 1st one, after few attempts of sight reading.

I still have lots of learn about Beethoven. His pieces are definitely portraying more inner feeling than those composed before him. sweetness and melancholy in just one piece, i wonder how Beethoven's REAL life is....'cause he's really really,trying to express himself, his inner self.....

Saturday, May 22, 2010


It's true.......

Only your own family truly care and love you. and the long-bonded friendship that's precious and real. You'll know it when it comes to difficulties, who's there and who's purposely left you. To have cared too much about things on the surface is way too stupid. Yet, you still hope and still believe things are not the way you thought they are...and wished you're wrong,and that you're being too sensitive.

Life has been tough for me lately..? There are things that are so obvious, it hurt and drain your ability to control your emotions.

I cant believe i just let my eyes went red and wet during last CME observation...sobbing silently... and being silly. SIAO.

Ming had never known how much it had cheered me when we sight read 1p4h that day.

Whether it's a joke, tease, or intentional behavior, it hurt every times it occurs. i dont like it... I wonder how my heart can stand it until now.

It was not the first time i felt being thrown to the side, being left alone on PURPOSE let me be dead or alive.

Why should i care so much? it's not worth for me to care. since i am not being cared nor being treated as equal importance.

but still, i do mind. no matter how i dun want to. it's...not easy. and it's silly. grrr...

It has affected me the whole week, no matter how much i wanna deny, on my progression on my major. I couldn't practice. Emotion kills.

I dont want to be this way. I've come here to kl to learn, and practice, to improve, and enhance my knowledge and skills. My purpose of coming here. i would have to keep reminding myself on that.

Close friends know me of enduring terrrible emotions. unhealthy in a way. but they also know how it will be when the feelings accumulate and 'burst'........

I let it all out last night.

Sad isnt it, for not being able to talk to you and you but end up blogging. thought you two were.. the only one i could really talk to.... sigh...... ironic ne....

I wish we could be how we used to be. together. it's sad..whenever i look at pics....


I think i understand J. but it's still my own interpretation, i couldnt be totally right. She has been hurt so much. Sad and down everyday. but smile and laugh with me when i greeted her... She will be there standing besides her when she needs her, still there ever ready to help her... trying to find her every now and then, but walked away silently when she saw her thru the glass practicing aural with a friend.

That's why i couldnt really stand it. Does she know J has been sooo sad and hurt....? or she knew it but she doesnt care..........?

to smile and greet soo charmingly at someone you hate, and that you've been talking badly behind him/her. Who are you...

I still remember you telling me something like this... ''it's good to befriend with your enemy or someone you hate,in that way you know their weakness & ability and you will not lose to them/you know how to deal with them'' she turned to me.. " so Sze Ern, you may see me being nice to you, but actually im treating you as enemy'' !!! I goes @.@ and you said ''no la no la kiddin haha"

im speechless.

I've learnt and seen a lot, besides music, on ppl, in UCSI. The selfishness, the cruelty, the boastful,the backstabber, the self-centered,the dont-care-ness,the whatever-would-do-ness,the openness,the im-right-you're wrong-ness, the modern thinking. yes there are kind ppl, the caring,the tender,the helpful,and the friendly. whatever it is, we are all human. bound by sin. and that we have to admit that we sin. not just im doing what i think it's right, and this is me, and that you cant change have your own opinion and i have mine. sigh.... we are nothing. nothing as all. sinful as we are,we have to repent.

Monday, February 01, 2010

1st post in 2010 @.@

LOL it has been 2+months since i last updated my blog..? Felt so paiseh to ppl out there who still visiting my blog ^-^''

Yes i have so much to tell, so many things to share with you all, but you know every time when i was thinking of updating my blog, i somehow got lazy and wished if only the com would just type out what's in my mind, rather to let me type long-winded essay and consciously recheck on what i was about to post. Dont know why all of sudden i got the mood to update here at this hour of time hahahaha~

It's 5:10am now. I couldnt sleep. Maybe it's got to do with what i ate and drank few hours ago : 2 glass of teh tarik and tosai kosong at mamak store nearby for my late dinner. LOL.

Right. So it's 1st day of Feb 2010 right now. School's life so far is quite fine. Still can cope despite more classes/assignments and physically/mentally more constraining. Have to practice and strive more to improve. Stressed? yes of course more or less, but it's not truly a burden to do the hard works -- it's enjoyment. The joy of learning new pieces, playing chamber music with friends, and experiencing the wonders of music. I'm truly blessed, of given the chances to study/learn what i want/interested/love. and feeling blessed again... of knowing them.. :)
Im sooo looking forward to CNY, to be back home gather with family and cousins and friends..! ( tho i will only be back home for less than one week.....) and i miss having family dinner..!! and.. bro is coming back this year for CNY yay yay yay!! XD

so it's 6:10am right now. I should try to get some sleep. Dad is coming to see me again later before he leaves kl in the afternoon. yay~

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


When you found that your friend is not making a wise decision on certain matter, knowing him/her will/might be in torture or pain if he/she does so, yet you do not know what's the best way to tell or advice them... knowing you might ended up making the matter worse...just like the past experiences..?

Seeing your friends in tears and sorrow, yet don't even know HOW to help them,and all you could do is just lending them shoulder and ears, only know to tell them ''Be Strong..'' and silently comforting them...and adding just few little thoughts & advices..? What friend is this?!

And the personal fear...of their possible outcomes of their decisions...... and some which might affect them.... the rest of their lives..??!

What can i do??!!!

I'm quite frustrated with myself at times.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Back in Kch

Tadaima!!!~~ Im back home, safe and still alive LOL..

Wasn't feeling so well ever since i was back home from kl tho. Having headache for the past few days. but not a big deal.

Had Kolo Mee for my first dinner in kch after i came back, and Laksa for breakfast the next day. The YEARNS for kch's specialities... ;)

I have to get used to see all the GREENS here. Maybe the two months stays in KL had confused and blurred my sight. I was staring at the green leaves from the trees next door on the past Monday, reminding myself-- Im back in kch..Im back in kch.... (im back in kch..??) LOL

I suddenly woke up at around 1am this morning, awfully missing my friends for no reason... rushed to my laptop and online,signed in to msn. Didn't see them online tho, which should be expected. Went back to sleep again...

Monday, September 28, 2009

to Sungei Wang again

Went to Sungei Wang with Linda yesterday to buy a shoulder rest for my viola. After lunch at KFC,lower ground floor, we saw this:

I never heard of ThomasJack before so my first impression of these two singers was-- they are soo young! (18 and 19 wor according to Min..) it was as if seeing my friend Anthony(because he's a bit tanned and they are,too) and schoolmate dancing and singing on stage. Linda cannot really tahan them so we didn't stay for long.

and.. they OBVIOUSLY lip-synced ah!! sigh... i wonder why they even bothered to take the mic.. >.> (no offense)

Guess what, it's our first time to hop on the wrong train to get back to Hang Tuah to interchange station. LOL...

Friday, September 18, 2009

life at UCSI

Life at UCSI is pretty cool. We outstation students will go practice early in the morning(and i mean real early!since the rooms are mostly fully booked after 8/9am) have classes in the afternoon, and practice again at night(till 10++pm). I always joke to my friends in kch that we actually need to fight to use the practice room. It is partly true anyway LOL. It is just so nice to be able to meet new friends here who do the same things as you do(i.e.piano playing), share/discuss among ourselves the pieces that we play,hear them demonstrating their pieces,or just simply chat with them. They can be really interesting sometime,the way they talk or express themselves. I feel so blessed. hahaha...~~

I don't think I eat like usual here in kl. Well actually i dont even REMEMBER to eat nor do i really care about it.. it's like there are more important things to do than eat. sometimes friends will have to ask and pull me out to eat haha.. i even ate one sweet nia for whole day when i was soo busy last sat but not good of course.. can tahan during day time but feeling very exhausted at night. so ate some small slice of cakes served after the evangelical rally at church,at night .

Somemore not electricity in my dorm last night. so guess what I ate? LOL. a pack of keropok. the only food in my room that i could eat without microwave and hot water. Today i treated myself better. ate fried rice for brunch and a cup of instant cereal drink for dinner.

I have to remind myself not to torture my stomach LOL.

Some friends at kch know HOW MUCH i have wished (yearned..) to be able to play duet with someone,and that i always fail to find someone to do so with me. and so I've literally bought and brought a second-handed Mozart for Four hands,all the way from kch to kl, with much hope that I can find someone here at last to play that with me. and yes i did, and it was great! HOWEVER......!! I LOST MY BOOK,my PRECIOUS MOZART DUET book.. on past tuesday.........!!! T.T and I havent even played sonata in D major K 448 yet..!!! T.T NOOOoo....!!!

and my Chopin complete etudes as well......... !!! why????!!....... T.T





Photos time!~

Lindawati aka Linda, indonesian. She's even prettier in real life than what we see here and she is sooo kind XD~~

from right to left: Alex, who plays a lot of Chopin,very expressive and play many fast pieces,local; Everett, forgot where he's from but he's taking composition and contemporary piano(if im not wrong), local as well(i think). I only met and get to know him not long ago; Teddy-- yes that's his name. indonesian.

He only started to learn piano 3 years ago and so he still needs to learn a lot,but impressive already for only playing for 3 years. having the advantages of having long fingers and big hands, he plays Chopin and Rachmaninoff. He is 3 years younger than me btw @.@

LOL. This is Jessica. Indonesian as well. She can be very funny haha~ I will definitely have chances to hear her playing in the future ^-^

And there's a lot more ppl and pictures that i wanna show you guys in the near future so stay tune! LOL

I have changed my minor instrument to viola. but my instructor..she's a good violist but... sigh~

and recital is in 3 weeks time. practice practice!~

Im going to watch a real LIVE musical play tomorrow, the first time in my whole life. i cant wait!XD

I stumbled across this when i visited youtube homepage just now:

New moon is my least favourite in twilight series however this trailer makes me looking forward to the release of the movie. hmm...

Thursday, August 27, 2009


Yay i manage to online in my room for the first time!(actually it was me who dunno how to do the configuration LOL) the line is faster than what i have in kch. Everything's fine for me(except UCSI is located on a hill!LOL lots of walking and it's kind of steep.). Cafes(eg Secret Recipe,Old Town Kopitiam etc),barber's,Watson, Mc Donald(5 mins walk from residental hall),and Giant(5mins also) are just outside the campus.

Today is the first day of orientation and though it's like what is expected, it's tiring somehow. whole day until 6pm( but i know im fortunate as compared to friends at local u). Have done with the course selection and i just got to know that short sem means it's 7 WEEKS long and after that final exam LOL... oh ya btw i took violin as minor instrument XDXD Starting from 0. Im still excited! I actually wanna go practise tonight but it's already 740pm by the time i reach the residential hall after my dinner and yeah.. it closed at 8 pm so.. next day ler..

Saturday, August 22, 2009

3 more days

3 more days to Tuesday. today is my last lesson with the kids. have been shopping for few days liao.. window shop alot but dint really buy much.. some clothes,shoes,etc. We can do more of that at KL.

My bro preferred Mac than HP although it's more expensive. He did however agreed that it's safer for me to bring HP notebook to school, the cheaper notebook, hoping to decrease the chances of being such crimes-prone place as in KL. I even bought a backpack especially for my laptop ah.. which is safer than the hand-carry one..

I've almost done packing my stuffs, thanks to mom and dad who(out of caring and anxious) reminded me for sooo many time until i started to do so.. >.> yeah my books are the one contributing the most to the weight of my luggages.

SOMEhow I just started to play SDO.thought it's not very fun at first but then it became more and more addictive. lvl 11 nia so far(played for 5 days nia.. slow ler..) and yeah lvl 6 and above's songs are cool.. some are insane.. and LOTS of ppl love to play ''Thank you'',lvl 9, if only u get what i mean. The only one (soo far )that caused me game over when i played it (when it reach the middle part!). some ppl only level 5 nia already can play better then me >.> I guess Kim would know what im talking about.

BUT! will delete SDO on tues from my notebook. school more important ah..moreover to play SDO i have to disable some what what Security at Control panel because im using Vista.. When im bored i always can play facebook mah so no prob.

Very tired right now. That's it for today.