Feeling weak again. Was so miserable yesterday. The same chilling feel in my heart, which occurs for too many times since i come to UCSI, and which, i tried to prevent, cause it'll just drain my energy, my will, my rational thinking, my strength to stand strong. Too frequent now.Trembled and shivered like mad. An eggtart for breakfast and bread for lunch. No appetite at all. Moreover NO ONE is going to care anyway. Eat for the sake of not feeling hungry.
That's why i got kinda scolded by Miss Ashley today for attending class with empty stomach. and PikYing for not taking good care of myself.
It's pretty stupid,me. It's not like i dunno all those. but i let myself be like that.sigh.Somehow coming to UCSI just makes me an idiot besides learning things and such.
Why did I ever wanna to stay longer in KL? Why did i ever have the thought in the first place?
yesterday Liang who saw me and was soo cheerful to see me,asked me.."why you look so sad? why you don't smile like always?"
Oskar: " If you're tired it's okay we'll practice next time""no no i'll try my best to play. let's run thru"
He actually helps me carried my beg and books almost everything immediately and soo quickly and silently to another room when i told him i wanna switch practice room. I just took my laptop when he already to and fro twice transferring my stuff. Im not that weak Oskar...! i look that cham meh =.=.....
To have come to school so early in the morning and back late at night, what did you think ppl lke me really wish and hope for? besides practicing and online...
to meet and see if there's any of my friends in school! if i stay at home i wont get a slightest chance of seeing any other friends at all. Guess what, there's a day when i was in classroom, Kenny coming in from the left saying"oh you come to school today!" and "ehh..? you're here!" coming from the right almost at the same time, it's Shin Hong...! It was a surprise and yet i was so delighted...!thankful......
and Pik Ying, Hong Liang, Oskar Y,Kenny, met them past few days and expecting some of them today as well! did they know even if they just chatted with me for a while, I'm already feeling so grateful and happy just a little...?
Thing's just, mo ming qi miao.
Who's weird now huh. who?
Who's thinking too much now huh....?
To be avoided, and the feeling of thrown to the side again.... as if my existence is just an irritation.... NOT funny......
i wanna know what is it. i wanna face whatever it is.the prob. but i have to know WHAT 1st.....!
where's my close friend.........?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
my thought on Beethoven
well i decided to play Beethoven's Sonata in D major op.10 no.3 for my next jury. This is to give myself a challenge as well, since I think I've played too much of Mozart and dun really wanna play Haydn( i still remember my ATCL repertoire..). Avoided Beethoven up till now since i come to UCSI cuz of it's wide interval & required power, which is much easier to achieve to those having big hands(i DO play some Beethoven before ah) However i do know this can never be an excuse of not touching Beethoven at all. I wanna challenge myself!!
1st mov: Presto, having interesting directions.dramatic still. will make you wonder bout the contrasting deep minor theme. besides playing the octaves with wrong notes occasionally and tensed my hands unconsciously, the notes are not as difficult as i thought they are.with the repeating themes and pattern, it just makes me feel it's just bit repetitive and even bored if i didnt do any expression and details. It's the technique required that I have to polished and practiced. The mov will just be as exciting like any others if we could bring out the character and the special effect of Beethoven
2nd mov: now this is the one that Im having trouble with. it's just so sad and melancholy. with parts that will only makes you think it's soo sad yet you have to smile cuz it's just...sadly beautiful. Like there's nth you can do with the tragic moment but smile to let it happens in front of you,and pass by, hurtfully..the pain in your heart. The tension, the stress with the dissonances, just wanna let the player to fully release their whole emotion, sadly...! My teacher told me I'm not expressive enough when i thought i was, at least a bit. He wants me to feel, and listen, and play all tiny little details(i know it applies to every pieces). but when I tried to practice after my major class, this mov almost brings me to tears. especially when, im already in such sorrowful state, this mov as if resonating my feeling... Can definitely make ppl falling into emo kind of state... Thus, it's hard to come out from this 2nd mov, to the all so sweet minuet and the lively trio.
Musicians are very emotional. Indeed. I agreed on that. but they, can be very very logical as well. 'cause we all need to think, to digest the pieces.it just cannot be played, too simply without thoughts. (this was shared by my respectful not-official-teacher last night)
4th mov: haven't really learn this one. but it seems to be harder than the 1st one, after few attempts of sight reading.
I still have lots of learn about Beethoven. His pieces are definitely portraying more inner feeling than those composed before him. sweetness and melancholy in just one piece, i wonder how Beethoven's REAL life is....'cause he's really really,trying to express himself, his inner self.....
1st mov: Presto, having interesting directions.dramatic still. will make you wonder bout the contrasting deep minor theme. besides playing the octaves with wrong notes occasionally and tensed my hands unconsciously, the notes are not as difficult as i thought they are.with the repeating themes and pattern, it just makes me feel it's just bit repetitive and even bored if i didnt do any expression and details. It's the technique required that I have to polished and practiced. The mov will just be as exciting like any others if we could bring out the character and the special effect of Beethoven
2nd mov: now this is the one that Im having trouble with. it's just so sad and melancholy. with parts that will only makes you think it's soo sad yet you have to smile cuz it's just...sadly beautiful. Like there's nth you can do with the tragic moment but smile to let it happens in front of you,and pass by, hurtfully..the pain in your heart. The tension, the stress with the dissonances, just wanna let the player to fully release their whole emotion, sadly...! My teacher told me I'm not expressive enough when i thought i was, at least a bit. He wants me to feel, and listen, and play all tiny little details(i know it applies to every pieces). but when I tried to practice after my major class, this mov almost brings me to tears. especially when, im already in such sorrowful state, this mov as if resonating my feeling... Can definitely make ppl falling into emo kind of state... Thus, it's hard to come out from this 2nd mov, to the all so sweet minuet and the lively trio.
Musicians are very emotional. Indeed. I agreed on that. but they, can be very very logical as well. 'cause we all need to think, to digest the pieces.it just cannot be played, too simply without thoughts. (this was shared by my respectful not-official-teacher last night)
4th mov: haven't really learn this one. but it seems to be harder than the 1st one, after few attempts of sight reading.
I still have lots of learn about Beethoven. His pieces are definitely portraying more inner feeling than those composed before him. sweetness and melancholy in just one piece, i wonder how Beethoven's REAL life is....'cause he's really really,trying to express himself, his inner self.....
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Reality
It's true.......
Only your own family truly care and love you. and the long-bonded friendship that's precious and real. You'll know it when it comes to difficulties, who's there and who's purposely left you. To have cared too much about things on the surface is way too stupid. Yet, you still hope and still believe things are not the way you thought they are...and wished you're wrong,and that you're being too sensitive.
Life has been tough for me lately..? There are things that are so obvious, it hurt and drain your ability to control your emotions.
I cant believe i just let my eyes went red and wet during last CME observation...sobbing silently... and being silly. SIAO.
Ming had never known how much it had cheered me when we sight read 1p4h that day.
Whether it's a joke, tease, or intentional behavior, it hurt every times it occurs. i dont like it... I wonder how my heart can stand it until now.
It was not the first time i felt being thrown to the side, being left alone on PURPOSE let me be dead or alive.
Why should i care so much? it's not worth for me to care. since i am not being cared nor being treated as equal importance.
but still, i do mind. no matter how i dun want to. it's...not easy. and it's silly. grrr...
It has affected me the whole week, no matter how much i wanna deny, on my progression on my major. I couldn't practice. Emotion kills.
I dont want to be this way. I've come here to kl to learn, and practice, to improve, and enhance my knowledge and skills. My purpose of coming here. i would have to keep reminding myself on that.
Close friends know me of enduring terrrible emotions. unhealthy in a way. but they also know how it will be when the feelings accumulate and 'burst'........
I let it all out last night.
Sad isnt it, for not being able to talk to you and you but end up blogging. thought you two were.. the only one i could really talk to.... sigh...... ironic ne....
I wish we could be how we used to be. together. it's sad..whenever i look at pics....
That's why i couldnt really stand it. Does she know J has been sooo sad and hurt....? or she knew it but she doesnt care..........?
to smile and greet soo charmingly at someone you hate, and that you've been talking badly behind him/her. Who are you...
I still remember you telling me something like this... ''it's good to befriend with your enemy or someone you hate,in that way you know their weakness & ability and you will not lose to them/you know how to deal with them'' she turned to me.. " so Sze Ern, you may see me being nice to you, but actually im treating you as enemy'' !!! I goes @.@ and you said ''no la no la kiddin haha"
im speechless.
I've learnt and seen a lot, besides music, on ppl, in UCSI. The selfishness, the cruelty, the boastful,the backstabber, the self-centered,the dont-care-ness,the whatever-would-do-ness,the openness,the im-right-you're wrong-ness, the modern thinking. yes there are kind ppl, the caring,the tender,the helpful,and the friendly. whatever it is, we are all human. bound by sin. and that we have to admit that we sin. not just im doing what i think it's right, and this is me, and that you cant change it.you have your own opinion and i have mine. sigh.... we are nothing. nothing as all. sinful as we are,we have to repent.
Only your own family truly care and love you. and the long-bonded friendship that's precious and real. You'll know it when it comes to difficulties, who's there and who's purposely left you. To have cared too much about things on the surface is way too stupid. Yet, you still hope and still believe things are not the way you thought they are...and wished you're wrong,and that you're being too sensitive.
Life has been tough for me lately..? There are things that are so obvious, it hurt and drain your ability to control your emotions.
I cant believe i just let my eyes went red and wet during last CME observation...sobbing silently... and being silly. SIAO.
Ming had never known how much it had cheered me when we sight read 1p4h that day.
Whether it's a joke, tease, or intentional behavior, it hurt every times it occurs. i dont like it... I wonder how my heart can stand it until now.
It was not the first time i felt being thrown to the side, being left alone on PURPOSE let me be dead or alive.
Why should i care so much? it's not worth for me to care. since i am not being cared nor being treated as equal importance.
but still, i do mind. no matter how i dun want to. it's...not easy. and it's silly. grrr...
It has affected me the whole week, no matter how much i wanna deny, on my progression on my major. I couldn't practice. Emotion kills.
I dont want to be this way. I've come here to kl to learn, and practice, to improve, and enhance my knowledge and skills. My purpose of coming here. i would have to keep reminding myself on that.
Close friends know me of enduring terrrible emotions. unhealthy in a way. but they also know how it will be when the feelings accumulate and 'burst'........
I let it all out last night.
Sad isnt it, for not being able to talk to you and you but end up blogging. thought you two were.. the only one i could really talk to.... sigh...... ironic ne....
I wish we could be how we used to be. together. it's sad..whenever i look at pics....
----------
I think i understand J. but it's still my own interpretation, i couldnt be totally right. She has been hurt so much. Sad and down everyday. but smile and laugh with me when i greeted her... She will be there standing besides her when she needs her, still there ever ready to help her... trying to find her every now and then, but walked away silently when she saw her thru the glass practicing aural with a friend.That's why i couldnt really stand it. Does she know J has been sooo sad and hurt....? or she knew it but she doesnt care..........?
to smile and greet soo charmingly at someone you hate, and that you've been talking badly behind him/her. Who are you...
I still remember you telling me something like this... ''it's good to befriend with your enemy or someone you hate,in that way you know their weakness & ability and you will not lose to them/you know how to deal with them'' she turned to me.. " so Sze Ern, you may see me being nice to you, but actually im treating you as enemy'' !!! I goes @.@ and you said ''no la no la kiddin haha"
im speechless.
I've learnt and seen a lot, besides music, on ppl, in UCSI. The selfishness, the cruelty, the boastful,the backstabber, the self-centered,the dont-care-ness,the whatever-would-do-ness,the openness,the im-right-you're wrong-ness, the modern thinking. yes there are kind ppl, the caring,the tender,the helpful,and the friendly. whatever it is, we are all human. bound by sin. and that we have to admit that we sin. not just im doing what i think it's right, and this is me, and that you cant change it.you have your own opinion and i have mine. sigh.... we are nothing. nothing as all. sinful as we are,we have to repent.
Monday, February 01, 2010
1st post in 2010 @.@
LOL it has been 2+months since i last updated my blog..? Felt so paiseh to ppl out there who still visiting my blog ^-^''
Yes i have so much to tell, so many things to share with you all, but you know every time when i was thinking of updating my blog, i somehow got lazy and wished if only the com would just type out what's in my mind, rather to let me type long-winded essay and consciously recheck on what i was about to post. Dont know why all of sudden i got the mood to update here at this hour of time hahahaha~
It's 5:10am now. I couldnt sleep. Maybe it's got to do with what i ate and drank few hours ago : 2 glass of teh tarik and tosai kosong at mamak store nearby for my late dinner. LOL.
Right. So it's 1st day of Feb 2010 right now. School's life so far is quite fine. Still can cope despite more classes/assignments and physically/mentally more constraining. Have to practice and strive more to improve. Stressed? yes of course more or less, but it's not truly a burden to do the hard works -- it's enjoyment. The joy of learning new pieces, playing chamber music with friends, and experiencing the wonders of music. I'm truly blessed, of given the chances to study/learn what i want/interested/love. and feeling blessed again... of knowing them.. :)
Im sooo looking forward to CNY, to be back home gather with family and cousins and friends..! ( tho i will only be back home for less than one week.....) and i miss having family dinner..!! and.. bro is coming back this year for CNY yay yay yay!! XD
so it's 6:10am right now. I should try to get some sleep. Dad is coming to see me again later before he leaves kl in the afternoon. yay~
Yes i have so much to tell, so many things to share with you all, but you know every time when i was thinking of updating my blog, i somehow got lazy and wished if only the com would just type out what's in my mind, rather to let me type long-winded essay and consciously recheck on what i was about to post. Dont know why all of sudden i got the mood to update here at this hour of time hahahaha~
It's 5:10am now. I couldnt sleep. Maybe it's got to do with what i ate and drank few hours ago : 2 glass of teh tarik and tosai kosong at mamak store nearby for my late dinner. LOL.
Right. So it's 1st day of Feb 2010 right now. School's life so far is quite fine. Still can cope despite more classes/assignments and physically/mentally more constraining. Have to practice and strive more to improve. Stressed? yes of course more or less, but it's not truly a burden to do the hard works -- it's enjoyment. The joy of learning new pieces, playing chamber music with friends, and experiencing the wonders of music. I'm truly blessed, of given the chances to study/learn what i want/interested/love. and feeling blessed again... of knowing them.. :)
Im sooo looking forward to CNY, to be back home gather with family and cousins and friends..! ( tho i will only be back home for less than one week.....) and i miss having family dinner..!! and.. bro is coming back this year for CNY yay yay yay!! XD
so it's 6:10am right now. I should try to get some sleep. Dad is coming to see me again later before he leaves kl in the afternoon. yay~
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