Feeling weak again. Was so miserable yesterday. The same chilling feel in my heart, which occurs for too many times since i come to UCSI, and which, i tried to prevent, cause it'll just drain my energy, my will, my rational thinking, my strength to stand strong. Too frequent now.Trembled and shivered like mad. An eggtart for breakfast and bread for lunch. No appetite at all. Moreover NO ONE is going to care anyway. Eat for the sake of not feeling hungry.
That's why i got kinda scolded by Miss Ashley today for attending class with empty stomach. and PikYing for not taking good care of myself.
It's pretty stupid,me. It's not like i dunno all those. but i let myself be like that.sigh.Somehow coming to UCSI just makes me an idiot besides learning things and such.
Why did I ever wanna to stay longer in KL? Why did i ever have the thought in the first place?
yesterday Liang who saw me and was soo cheerful to see me,asked me.."why you look so sad? why you don't smile like always?"
Oskar: " If you're tired it's okay we'll practice next time""no no i'll try my best to play. let's run thru"
He actually helps me carried my beg and books almost everything immediately and soo quickly and silently to another room when i told him i wanna switch practice room. I just took my laptop when he already to and fro twice transferring my stuff. Im not that weak Oskar...! i look that cham meh =.=.....
To have come to school so early in the morning and back late at night, what did you think ppl lke me really wish and hope for? besides practicing and online...
to meet and see if there's any of my friends in school! if i stay at home i wont get a slightest chance of seeing any other friends at all. Guess what, there's a day when i was in classroom, Kenny coming in from the left saying"oh you come to school today!" and "ehh..? you're here!" coming from the right almost at the same time, it's Shin Hong...! It was a surprise and yet i was so delighted...!thankful......
and Pik Ying, Hong Liang, Oskar Y,Kenny, met them past few days and expecting some of them today as well! did they know even if they just chatted with me for a while, I'm already feeling so grateful and happy just a little...?
Thing's just, mo ming qi miao.
Who's weird now huh. who?
Who's thinking too much now huh....?
To be avoided, and the feeling of thrown to the side again.... as if my existence is just an irritation.... NOT funny......
i wanna know what is it. i wanna face whatever it is.the prob. but i have to know WHAT 1st.....!
where's my close friend.........?
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
my thought on Beethoven
well i decided to play Beethoven's Sonata in D major op.10 no.3 for my next jury. This is to give myself a challenge as well, since I think I've played too much of Mozart and dun really wanna play Haydn( i still remember my ATCL repertoire..). Avoided Beethoven up till now since i come to UCSI cuz of it's wide interval & required power, which is much easier to achieve to those having big hands(i DO play some Beethoven before ah) However i do know this can never be an excuse of not touching Beethoven at all. I wanna challenge myself!!
1st mov: Presto, having interesting directions.dramatic still. will make you wonder bout the contrasting deep minor theme. besides playing the octaves with wrong notes occasionally and tensed my hands unconsciously, the notes are not as difficult as i thought they are.with the repeating themes and pattern, it just makes me feel it's just bit repetitive and even bored if i didnt do any expression and details. It's the technique required that I have to polished and practiced. The mov will just be as exciting like any others if we could bring out the character and the special effect of Beethoven
2nd mov: now this is the one that Im having trouble with. it's just so sad and melancholy. with parts that will only makes you think it's soo sad yet you have to smile cuz it's just...sadly beautiful. Like there's nth you can do with the tragic moment but smile to let it happens in front of you,and pass by, hurtfully..the pain in your heart. The tension, the stress with the dissonances, just wanna let the player to fully release their whole emotion, sadly...! My teacher told me I'm not expressive enough when i thought i was, at least a bit. He wants me to feel, and listen, and play all tiny little details(i know it applies to every pieces). but when I tried to practice after my major class, this mov almost brings me to tears. especially when, im already in such sorrowful state, this mov as if resonating my feeling... Can definitely make ppl falling into emo kind of state... Thus, it's hard to come out from this 2nd mov, to the all so sweet minuet and the lively trio.
Musicians are very emotional. Indeed. I agreed on that. but they, can be very very logical as well. 'cause we all need to think, to digest the pieces.it just cannot be played, too simply without thoughts. (this was shared by my respectful not-official-teacher last night)
4th mov: haven't really learn this one. but it seems to be harder than the 1st one, after few attempts of sight reading.
I still have lots of learn about Beethoven. His pieces are definitely portraying more inner feeling than those composed before him. sweetness and melancholy in just one piece, i wonder how Beethoven's REAL life is....'cause he's really really,trying to express himself, his inner self.....
1st mov: Presto, having interesting directions.dramatic still. will make you wonder bout the contrasting deep minor theme. besides playing the octaves with wrong notes occasionally and tensed my hands unconsciously, the notes are not as difficult as i thought they are.with the repeating themes and pattern, it just makes me feel it's just bit repetitive and even bored if i didnt do any expression and details. It's the technique required that I have to polished and practiced. The mov will just be as exciting like any others if we could bring out the character and the special effect of Beethoven
2nd mov: now this is the one that Im having trouble with. it's just so sad and melancholy. with parts that will only makes you think it's soo sad yet you have to smile cuz it's just...sadly beautiful. Like there's nth you can do with the tragic moment but smile to let it happens in front of you,and pass by, hurtfully..the pain in your heart. The tension, the stress with the dissonances, just wanna let the player to fully release their whole emotion, sadly...! My teacher told me I'm not expressive enough when i thought i was, at least a bit. He wants me to feel, and listen, and play all tiny little details(i know it applies to every pieces). but when I tried to practice after my major class, this mov almost brings me to tears. especially when, im already in such sorrowful state, this mov as if resonating my feeling... Can definitely make ppl falling into emo kind of state... Thus, it's hard to come out from this 2nd mov, to the all so sweet minuet and the lively trio.
Musicians are very emotional. Indeed. I agreed on that. but they, can be very very logical as well. 'cause we all need to think, to digest the pieces.it just cannot be played, too simply without thoughts. (this was shared by my respectful not-official-teacher last night)
4th mov: haven't really learn this one. but it seems to be harder than the 1st one, after few attempts of sight reading.
I still have lots of learn about Beethoven. His pieces are definitely portraying more inner feeling than those composed before him. sweetness and melancholy in just one piece, i wonder how Beethoven's REAL life is....'cause he's really really,trying to express himself, his inner self.....
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